Girls are Dum
(or, The Color Rurple 1)
By MCarey
1Rurple: a) A reddish-purplish color. The color of cranberries, pomegranates, plums, currants, grapes, cherries, etc. b) The color of embarrassment for BWGs, their parents, or anyone else who might have an affiliation with Bobby Belden.
26 years after The Mystery Off Glen Road
Belden Residence, Sleepyside-on-the-Hudson
I had picked up the box at my parents house.
Moms found it tucked away in a corner when she was cleaning out the attic. Other than getting rid of the dust and cobwebs on my childhood treasures, she had left it unopened. My mother amusedly told me she paid strict attention to the misspelled warning I had written in my youth. “Bobbys Seecrud Box – Leaf Alone.”
I had brought it in the house, and hid it away from the children. Although my parents and siblings loudly disagree, I am convinced that my children’s curiosity is far greater than Trixies or mine when we were their age. So, I waited until the kids were in bed, and hopefully asleep, before freeing the contents from their treasure trove where they had lain forgotten for over twenty years.
My wife was snuggled on the couch next to me reading some mystery about a female detective. As if she needed to read what’s a part of the reality that surrounds us. I, myself, preferred to examine my collection of memories from childhood. I was resting my legs on the low table that had a pile of clothespins dipped in red ink dotting its surface. Next to those was a sadly abused teddy bear with a hole on the top of its head, and the fur dotted with moth holes.
Then I found it.
A fat envelope, with pages of hand printing that appeared to go in a variety of directions. I had forgotten all about this, and smiled to myself, reading the words that danced across the papers.
I was six-years old again.
During The Mystery Off Glen Road
November
Sleepyside-on-the-Hudson, New York
Girls are dum.
And they smell too.
At least my sister does. I know cause I haf to sit next to her at the dinner table. It’s a funny smell. Kind of like those tall labbender flowers in Mom’s garden, cept Trixie smells more phewy. My big brother Mart says it’s more like the time I got the talcum powder mixed up with the flea powder, and used it on Reddy. I was little then. I couldn’t read. Sides, the fleas left Reddy alone after it happened. So did we.
Til Moms gave him a bath.
I hate baths.
One day my best friend Tom was getting married to Celia, and I had to take a bath. Trixie was s’posed to holp, but said she forgotted. She does that a lot.
When Trixie gives me a bath, she lets let me play in the water by myself. That’s cause she gets all jumpy like she has to go the bathroom or something. But then she leaves to call her friends. She let’s me play as long as I want in the water, and then before she hangs up the telephone, I jump out of the tub and start to dry myself, like I washed and everything.
“Are you done with your bath?”
I tell her “Uh-huh.”
And she leaves again, and I put on my jamas.
See what I mean?
The day Tom got married Moms gave me my bath.
And it hurted awful. She put soap in my eyes when she washed my hair and face, and I yelled for someone to save me cause, I was drownding. If Trixie had been there I wouldna haf ta yell, and my face wouldn’t haf hurted and my eyes sting cause, I could pretend I had done it my ownself.
Girls are dum.
Moms is pretty even if she said she is a girl. Daddy thinks so too. I know, cause he gets all googly eyes and kissy face with her. Mostly, when that happens they go upstairs.
My brothers and sister get these funny looks on their faces. They look at each other and their eyes get kind a rolly. Like these marbles Regan gived me that are white with colors in them. Cept I axidently losted them. But then Mart and me founded them when we had to clean up Reddy’s number two.
I don’t play with those marbles anymore.
Oncet, when Moms and Dad went upstairs I axed Trixie, Brian, and Mart. “Hey! Why do you haf faces like that? You sick or somethin?”
Brian tells me, “You’ll understand when you’re older.” He tells me that ever since I can member. Brian knows a lot, but I know some things he doesn’t. Never mind, it’s a seecrud, and I always keep seecruds.
So I tell him, “I am older. I’m six.”
“It still isn’t old enough, small fry.” Mart tells me.
Trixie pulls my hair, and I yell at her, “Hey! Stop that! You hurted me. Badly.”
“I didn’t hurt you.” It’s wasn’t her hair she pulled. Then Trixie sniffs at me like I’m the one that’s smelly.
I tell her, “Did so! I almost losted all my hair.”
Then Mart says, “Keep it down squirt. Moms and Dad might hear you.”
“So?” And when he doesn’t say nothin’, I axed him again. “So, why can’t Moms and Dad hear me?
“We don’t want to…hmm…” Then he looks at Brian. He thinks Brian knows everything too. That’s cause he doesn’t know my seecrud ‘bout Brian.
“Because they’re busy, is why.”
Sheesh!
You would a thought Mart or Trixie could a said that. But no, it has to come from Brian. I guess cause he’s old.
Then Trixie says kind a whispery, “Little pictures haf big ears.”
It wasn’t a good whisper. I could hear her. If I was in ‘nother room or something, I wouldn’t haf heard her, but I was standing right there.
Just to be sure, about the ear picture thing, I run and look at all the little pictures Moms has of us. My ears look smaller than smelly old Trixie’s.
Girls are dum.
Moms told me I had to wear a suit for the ception.
I didn’ want to.
She put me in time out. Daddy must have been in a time out too, cause she made him put a tie on me. Pro’bly so I could look like him, and my brothers.
I axed him. “Is a ception somethin’ you go to and haf to look like each other?” All a sudden I got that drowndy feeling, and said in a chokey voice. “Daddy! It’s too tight, I can’t breathe.”
“Sorry sport.” Daddy apologized, loosening the tie. I took a breath and wiped my face. “Bobby, you need to stand very still, so I can get this tied.”
“I couldn’t breathe. What’s a ception?”
Daddy stopped and looked at me, like when Moms is talking to him, and he’s tryin’ to use his listening ears. Sometimes I don’ think he is cause Moms says things louder. “Ception?” He went back to fixing my tie. “What do you mean? Stop fidgeting.”
So I held real still and only moved my lips. “You know, like the ception we’re going to for Tom and Celia.”
“You mean a reception.” Daddy stood up, and used his hands to brush my jacket. It made me think about the monkey show I saw on TV; the one where the monkeys pick bugs off each other, then eat them. But Daddy didn’t put anything in his mouth. “It’s like a party.”
He turned me round so I could look in the mirror. “You look very handsome, Bobby.”
I looked like a nerd.
Then Moms came in, and gave us her happy smile. The kind that makes her eyes kind a crinkly and her mouth look all laughy. She smelled good and kissed Daddy. “My! Aren’t you two handsome?”
Then she kissed me cause I couldn’t move too fast, wearing the suit and tie and all. I waited til she kissed Daddy again and wiped my face.
“The boys and Trixie are waiting downstairs. Bobby. Quit squirming.”
When I saw Trixie, I opened my eyes real wide cause she didn’t look like Trixie. She always wears jeans and tee shirts, and looks like a boy. Cept she has bumps on her shirt.
She had this ‘norange dress and was acting like Reddy did when I put the powder stuff on him. I tried to think of something to say only cause she looked different from a boy. I says, “Hey! Trixie looks like a ‘Norange Surprise.”
She did. It’s my favoritest dessert that Moms makes with Jell-o and this kind a ice cream stuff, but it’s not really ice cream, and lots of marshmallows. I love marshmallows.
Then Mart and Brian made these horse noises like when horses try to talk horsey.
Trixie looked at Moms, “Moms!” Looking like she was gonna cry or somethin’. “You told me this wasn’t a stupid dress.”
“You look lovely dear.” Moms said, and did that monkey picky thing with her, and gave my brothers a funny look, “Doesn’t she boys?”
“Sure.”
They said it together. Trixie gived them a squinty look like she didn’t belief them or something; but I beliefed them.
Just cause Trixie dresses like a boy she wasn’ actin’ like a boy. She was actin’ like a girl.
Girls are dum.
“Bobby. You’re to use your manners. I don’t want you running, yelling, or touching anything.” Daddy told me when he helped Moms out of the car.
The wind was blowy and made Mom’s blue dress floaty and swirly. She looked at all of us with her Mom’s look. “That means all of you.”
Trixie, Mart, and Brian walked in front of us up the stairs into Honey and Jim’s house. Cept I tripped on a step, cause sudden like I saw Trixie’s ‘norange dress was in her underwear. ‘for I could say somethin’, Mom’s fastly pulled the dress out of Trixie’s underwear without her even knowing it.
Moms and I gived rolly eyes to each other. Even though it sounded like Moms made a horsey sound, she only coughed. I wanted to be with my brothers and sister but Moms wouln’ let go of my hand. She said. “Quit fidgeting.” I think she was talking to daddy cause I could barely walk. I figgered I wouldn’ be yelling cause I could hardly breathe. And I couldn’t run cause the pants were too tight.
Pro’bly cause I had my underwear on backwards.
Sometimes I forget.
For a girl, Celia looked pretty. Kind of like that angel we put on top of our Christmas tree. The one that used to haf wings on her back. Til I fixted her.
Tom and Regan were talkin’ to each other. They were wearing suits, and looked like I was feeling.
They pro'bly had their underwear on backwards, too.
Then Regan left. Tom looked at Celia, and they got googly eyes and kissy face with each other. I said to Moms. “We need to hurry, cause their going to go upstairs really fast, like you and Daddy do.” I was breathing gooder, so it was kind a loud and I heard my ownself all over the room.
My hand still hurts.
Badly.
Tom and Daddy got these funny looks on their faces, and their voices were chokey. Moms and Celia turned this rurple color. Then something ’portant must haf happened in ’nother room, cause Trixie, Mart, and Brian walked away from us really fast. I wanted to go see what was so ‘portant too, but Moms was still holding my hand.
I didn’t see Trixie, Mart, or Brian for a long time after that. When I finally seen them, they were at the stairs talkin’ with Jim and Honey. Trixie was sitten on a stair, then all a sudden, she stood up, and fell with a loud noise and just lied there.
Since I didn’ haf anyone to give rolly eyes to I gived ’em to my ownself.
Oncet, I was outside eating ‘Norange Surprise, but Reddy came and wanted to play, so I put it down. When I came back, it was all melted, and kind a yucky, so I gived it to Reddy. He liked it.
Trixie looked like my ‘Norange Surprise before Reddy ate it.
Jim helped Trixie stand up. Her face was kind a rurple. Jim didn’t seem to see that cause he had this funny look on his face when she talked to him.
And then she got googly eyed with him.
Girls are dum.
Ceptions are silly, cept they haf good food. Especially cake.
I love cake.
Celia was trying to feed some to Tom, and people were laughing. I guess it was funny, cept I always thought Tom knew how to eat cake by himself. And Celia couldn’ even find his mouth cause she put it on his face. And Moms told me I was the one that had to use my manners?
The cake was good. I snucked back and got another piece, and went to find some place I could hide. I didn’ want to get in trouble for eating so much cake. I saw Mart talking to Diana in ‘nother room, so I went in and tried to pretend that he said it was okay if I ate some more cake. Then he could get in trouble.
Diana was talkin’ to Mart, and her eyes were kind a twirly-twitchy. When I went and stood with them, Mart looked at me like there was somethin’ smelly in the room. I sniffed, and then checked my shoes, but nothing was there.
Then he gave me kind of a push. I wasn’t going to move. I wanted to eat my cake, and I told him, “Hey, quit pushing me.”
“I didn’t push you.” He told me and smiled at Diana. I guess so she would think he was this neat person and loved me.
There must a been something wrong with Diana’s eyes, cause they got twirly-twitchy again. Diana’s eyes minded me of a doll Trixie had til I fixed its eyes with glue. I moved real close to look up at her. She gave me this funny smile then she looked at Mart. It was that kind of look Trixie gets when she has to tell Moms and Dad she did something she shouldn’. She does that a lot.
“Bobby, quit staring.” Mart said.
I pretended I didn’t hear him. He put his hand on my shoulder. “Hey.” I made my face look like I was gonna cry, and he let me go.
Mart’s eyes got squinty, cept this time I think he wanted to say bad words at me, but says ‘stead. “Can you go find Moms?”
“She’s eating cake in there.” I tell him pointing with my plate, but my fork fell on the floor. That was okay, cause the cake was still on my plate. I picked up the fork fast and wiped it on my pants, then ate my cake.
“They’re always around when you don’t want them to be.” Mart said to Diana. Trying to act like he was really old.
I looked ‘round. There was only me, and Mart and Diana in the room.
I figgered he was talking about me, but I didn’ care. I wanted to eat the rest of my cake.
Diana gave him a goofy smile, and did that thing with her eyes. So I tell her. “If you haf something in your eye, you better get it out for you go blind.”
She turned this rurple color, and Mart said my name in a kind of whispery voice.
I pretended I didn’t hear him. Since I finished my cake, I put the plate on a table thing that looked old. I figgered it was okay, since Diana needed my holp. Her bein’ a girl, and this bein’ a ‘mergency and all.
I looked back up at her, and said. “It’s easy. You pinch you’re eye with two fingers, like this.” I pulled out my eyelid and rolled my eyeball up at her. “Then you make your eye go back and forth, back and forth. If you make your eye go like this, it looks really gross cause your eye is all white, and you can’t see. But you don’ need to do that. Just move you’re eyeball like I showed you and that thing will get out of your eye.”
Diana looked like Trixie did that time I got bit by the snake.
“Bobby!”
I founded out why Mart sounded funny voiced. I looked at him and seen he didn’ even open his mouth when he said my name. Oncet, we saw this show on TV with a puppet that looked like he was really talking, but Mart said it was the man holding him, that made the puppet talk. And the man’s lips never moved! That’s what Mart looked like. “Go find Moms.”
“Why, is she losted or somethin?”
“No. I want you to leave. Now.” And then he leaned into me and got whispery in my ear, “Or you will experience the worst wedgies of your entire life.”
If Mart was tryin’ to skare me, it didn’ work. ‘siderin I was wearing my underwear backwards, I had been ‘speereancin’ that feelin’ most much of today. I did get worrit when the color on his face turned a color like Brian’s did when I saw him and Honey. That was ‘fore I comed in here.
So I says. “Okey-dokey.”
I was only tryin’ to holp.
When I got far enuf away that he couldn’ get me, I yelled back at him. “But if Diana gets blind, it’s cause you made her.”
Diana giggled.
Like a girl.
Girls are dum.
26 years after The Mystery on Glen Road
Belden Residence, Sleepyside-on-the-Hudson
I laughed out loud. I thought about the closeness I now shared with my brothers and sister and their spouses. What a pain in the side I was to all of them when I was a kid. They were still paying me back, because they loved telling my children stories about me when I was a little boy. And my children loved hearing those stories.
“Reading something funny, dear?” My wife inquired looking up from her reading. She had that soft smile she gets on her face when she looks at me. Sometimes.
“Just something I wrote when I was much younger.” I said shuffling the papers back into their envelope and I put my arm around her.
She grinned at me and attempted to grab the envelope that I hurriedly threw back into the box. She narrowed those amazing blue eyes of hers. “You’re not going to get off that easily. What was so funny?”
I knew she would probably read it when I wasn’t around, so I shrugged. “Girls are dumb.”
“Oh really.” She drawled with a quirk of her eyebrows that made her eyes wider. “You weren’t saying that last night.”
I began to experience the same feeling I had twenty-six years ago. It was when Dad put the tie around my neck. “Well, they seemed dumb when I was six. I wasn’t six last night.”
She turned and faced me. “Are you telling me you thought I was dumb?”
“No, dear. Not at all.” I said quickly. “I always thought you were one of the smart ones.”
“Uh-huh.” She said knowingly with the wisdom of being married for ten years brings. “I bet you never even mentioned me.” And pretended to pout.
“I’m sure it’s in some stuff I wrote when I was older.”
She smiled and kissed me, “Besides, that’s not what you tell our daughter.” And then she kissed me again.
Here I was, in the moment as you will, and a part of me that was my brain had trouble remembering what I had ever said to my children. The rest of me was working well indeed, because the kisses I received were a promise that served to explain why we had children.
After a rather lengthy kiss, and breathing unevenly, I asked. “What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“What do I say to our daughter?”
“Boys are dumb.” Then she kissed me again.
Boy. Were we ever.