Hold Me

By Pam S

PART ONE

Chapter One

It was a late summer afternoon and the Bob-Whites were gathered at the Belden farmhouse. It was the final get together before Brian and Jim left for college. Trixie watched as her two best friends spent their afternoon flirting with their boyfriends. She looked wistfully at Jim. And she found herself wondering, Why didn’t he think of her in that way?

After the party, Trixie and her friends helped with the cleanup. When Honey came to her side Trixie gave her a woeful look.

“I’m so jealous of you and Brian and Mart and Di,” sighed fifteen-year-old Trixie Belden.

“I told you, go ask him,” replied Honey Wheeler, her best friend.

“I can’t,” cried Trixie. “I would be so hurt if he didn’t feel the same.”

“Listen, Jim is at the clubhouse straightening things up from today. I’ll finish helping your mom while you go talk to him. Please, Trixie,” Honey begged. “At least this way you will know where you stand.” Secretly, Honey felt that Jim was just as much in love with Trixie as she was with him.

Taking a deep breath and biting her lip, Trixie gave her friend a long look. “I’ll try but I’m not making any promises.”

As she walked up the road to the clubhouse, Trixie rehearsed what she was going to say. Mumbling to herself she kept the words rolling through her head. This was not going to be easy.

Placing her hand on the door, Trixie peeked in at Jim. The sight of him always filled her with a sense of complete longing and inadequacy. Bravely, she pushed the door open.

“Hi, Jim,” she called to him as he was storing some boxes on a high shelf.

“Hi, Trix,” he smiled and glanced up at the shelves. “Looks like you’ll need a step ladder since Brian and I will be gone. I think I’ve got everything from our summer activities stored away.”

“That’s okay,” she laughed, “Di can work her magic on Mart. He’ll be our slave all winter.”

“Whipped he is,” Jim joked back with her.

It’s now or never, she thought. “Jim, can we talk? I mean really talk.”

Jim looked at her quietly for a moment and then said, “Come on shamus, when couldn’t we talk?”

“No, Jim, I really need to say this,” Trixie walked over to where he stood.

Jim put his hands on her shoulders and took a deep breath. “I guess I’m ready for anything you have to say, aren’t I?”

Unable to look him in the eyes, she bit her lip and said in a low voice, “It’s about us. Where do we stand? I’d like to be more than friends.”

Jim pulled her into a hug and whispered, “It’s just not that easy, shamus.”

Oh, god! She thought. He doesn’t love me. He’s trying to let me down gently. She bit her lip as she thought to herself, I won’t cry. I won’t cry!

“Trix, maybe we should wait awhile on this.” Jim looked at her seriously. “If we got together now it might not last. You are going to have a lot of experiences this year…ones that I won’t be able to share. And so will I.” Jim closed his eyes to hide his true feelings. “It’s not fair to expect you to give that up. In three years you’ll be eighteen but we will both be totally different people. I don’t want to mess up our friendship with something that may not last.”

Trixie wanted to stay in his arms forever but finally her pride won out. Pulling back, she looked him in the eyes as she said, “I understand, Jim. You need your time in college away from me.” Trixie felt a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. Swallowing hard, she continued, “That’s okay. I won’t make a scene. I’ll be just fine. I’m stronger than you give me credit for. I really do hope you find what you are looking for at college.”

Trixie turned and fled out the door willing herself not to cry in front of Jim.

“Trix,” he called out to her but she was gone. Little did she know that Jim had already found what he was looking for and she had run out the door.

Chapter Two

Blinded by her tears, Trixie ran headlong into Brian on the path between Crabapple Farm and the clubhouse.

“Whoa, little sister, what gives?” He caught her by her shoulders. Then he noticed the tears. “Trixie? What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

“Oh, Brian, he doesn’t love me. I made a big fool of myself by telling him how I felt.” She was sobbing so hard that Brian could hardly make out the words.

He knew without asking just who she was talking about. “It’s okay, Trix. Please don’t cry. I can’t stand it when you cry.”

“Oh, god, please don’t tell Jim,” Trixie pleaded with her brother. “I’ll just die if he finds out I’ve been crying over him.”

In spite of the situation, Brian gave a half smile. His little sister was always dying over something but now she felt like she really was.

“I promise, Trix, not a word from me. But just what did Jim say?” Brian wanted to make sure he didn’t have to punch Jim’s lights out.

“He gave me this speech about how it could mess up our friendship. But I know he was just trying to let me down gently. Good old honorable Jim. I think it would have been easier if he had just told me to get lost.”

“Trix, did you want Jim to lie to you?” Brain looked her straight in her tear filled eyes.

Sobering, Trixie answered, “No, but it hurts so bad.”

Brian pulled her into a big brother hug. “It will, Trixie. Probably for a long time. But I’ll only be a phone call away if you need to talk.”

“Oh, gosh, Brian,” Trixie cringed at the thought of seeing Jim so soon. “Could you meet Jim at the Manor House tomorrow when you leave? I just don’t think I could face him right now.”

“Sure, do you want me to go down to the house first? I’ll keep everyone occupied so you can slip in the back door. I know how you hate for anyone to see you cry.”

“Thanks, Brian. Just promise me you won’t say anything to anyone, please?”

He knew who that anyone was and gave her a hug as he promised. Trixie hugged her big brother gratefully. She knew he would keep her secret.

Chapter Three

The next day, after the boys had left, Trixie kept to her room. The sadness in her heart was so heavy that she knew people could see it. She should have known that Honey would be down almost as soon as the boys had left.

“Trixie, are you in here?’ Honey called. She frowned when she looked at her friend. Something went terribly wrong yesterday. What had her brother said?

“Oh, Honey.” Then the tears started again. “It didn’t work. Jim was nice about it but he…,” shrugging, she was unable to finish. It hurt too much to say it again.

Tears came to Honey’s eyes. How could she have been so wrong? She had just known that her brother thought the sun shined on Trixie. And now because of her, her best friend was heartbroken. “I’m so sorry, Trixie. I really thought…” her voice trailed off.

“Help me get through this, Honey. I just can’t let anybody else know.”

“Brian was acting funny this morning. Does he know?”

“Yeah,” she giggled through her sobs. “I literally ran smackdab into him.”

Laughter, that’s a good sign, Honey thought to herself. To Trixie, she said, “Well, get up and wash your face. You better get your chores done or someone will find out. I’ll help. Then we can go get Di and ride our bikes into town. We’ll make it a girls day out.” She looked at Trixie hopefully.

“Okay,” Trixie nodded. “Thanks, but you’re going to have to stock up on the Kleenex.”

The rest of the day was a perfect summer day. The girls shared laughter and secrets and hopes. It didn’t matter to Trixie that her smile never made it to her eyes. Her friends were her lifesavers on that late summer day.

Even if Di didn’t know what had happened, she knew something was wrong. Honey kept looking at Trixie with a worried and guilty expression. And Trixie, well, there was a sadness about her that Di had never seen. She tried to hide it but Di could see it in her unguarded moments.

Later that evening, Di called Honey at home. “Okay, what gives? Something is wrong with Trixie and you are a basket case.”

“Oh, Di, I wish I could tell you I really do but I promised Trixie. She would never understand if I told anyone.” Honey sighed sadly. “I do know that she’s going to need her friends now more than ever. Especially since I’ve been the worst friend in the world.”

“Honey, Trixie thinks the world of you.” Di hesitated as she tried to find the right words to comfort her friend. “Why would you say that?”

“Because Di, everything is all my fault. I talked her into something and it didn’t work out.” Honey didn’t even try to disguise the guilt in her voice.

Di knew that it had something to do with Jim but she loved her friends too much to pry. She just decided that they both, Honey and Trixie, needed emotional support and she would be there for them.

“Honey, anytime you need a friend let me know. I promise not to ask any questions.” Di was nearly in tears. ”Our friendship is too important for us to let anything come between us.”

“Thanks, Di, you are a great friend.” Honey was relieved that Di accepted the explanation and was willing to be there for her and Trixie.

Chapter Four

By the time school had started for the younger Bob-Whites, Trixie had learned to keep a reign on her emotions. Only in the night in her room did she give into the tears. Her mother had noticed that Trixie had lost a lot of weight, however.

One afternoon, she confronted Trixie. “Trixie, sweetie, what’s going on? “ Mrs. Belden stroked Trixie’s blonde curls with concern. “You seem so sad and you’ve lost a ton of weight. Your grades are great. You study and do your chores without being reminded. Well, it’s just not you. I’m worried.”

“Oh, moms,” she cried as she hugged her mother. “I am miserable but there’s not much you can do. You can’t make someone love me.”

“Is it Jim?” Of course it was Jim. Everyone knew he’s the love of her life. She had thought Trixie was the love of his.

“I really don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

“Oh, sweetie, that’s perfectly fine. Just remember I’m here if you need me.”

Trixie hugged her mother tighter.

“Now scoot. Go up to the stables and ride the horses or something.” Her mom pushed her toward the door with a smile. “I’m sure Reagan would love some help since the boys are gone.”

“You’re the best, Moms.”

As she entered the stables, Trixie took in a deep breath. No matter how often she came here she loved the smell and the memories it brought back. This time however she had to blink back the tears.

“Hey, Reagan, do you mind if I saddle up Susie and go for a ride?” she asked.

“Well, it’s about time someone showed up. You girls are going to have to do better you know.” Reagan eyed Trixie critically. Had she been sick?

“We will. I promise, Reagan.”

“Well, see that you do,” he said sternly then winked to let her know he wasn’t really all that mad.

As she wandered through the preserve, Trixie also let her mind wander. Soon enough, she felt the sting of the inevitable tears. Finally, she dismounted, sat down on a rock, hung her head down, and let the tears fall. She didn’t notice Dan Mangan coming up the path toward her.

“Hey, Freckles, what’s the matter?” Dan smiled but his eyes were full of concern.

Trixie looked at him and only shrugged. She didn’t feel like sharing.

“Has this got something to do with Frayne?” Trixie could see the anger in his eyes.

“Dan, no, it’s not like that.”

“Well, just how is it then. If he did something to hurt you he’s gonna pay.” Dan clinched his fists in an effort to calm down.

“Danny, sometimes people just go on with their life and leave some of it behind.”

“And the fool left you behind, huh?”

“It’s okay, it’s just so embarrassing. Especially, when he comes to visit.” Trixie looked sheepishly up at Dan. “I don’t know how I will face him. What if he brings home a girl? I’ll just die.”

“Listen, when Jim comes home just pretend you are with me. You really are like a sister to me.” Dan pulled Trixie up from the rock where she sat. “I will be there for you, Trix , if you let me.”

“Great,” she laughed. “Just what I need, another brother.” But Trixie knew what he meant. Neither had romantic feelings for each other and had spent long hours moaning to each other about their lack of a love life. She always joked the he was one of her best girlfriends.

“I’m not kidding, Trix.” Dan would just about do anything to shield her from more hurt. She was just like his sister and he felt very protective.

“Thanks, Danny boy, I just might take you up on that.”

Chapter Five

Finally, after much encouragement and support from her friends, Trixie settled into a quiet but almost happy routine. She loved meeting her friends during lunch at school. Their joking and teasing made her feel like part of her life was normal again.

Occasionally, Dan would treat the girls to lunch at Wimpy’s on Saturday. This Saturday it was only he and Trixie. Jim and Brian had come in for the weekend and Dan was trying to cheer her up while keeping her mind occupied. He seemed to be doing a good job of it until he caught the panic in her eyes.

“Trixie?” Dan followed her gaze.

“It’s Jim,” she whispered.

Without warning the tears fell from her lashes. I’m so stupid, she thought. He’s never shed a tear for me. As Jim approached the diner, Trixie desperately looked for a place to flee. As Jim entered the diner, Dan grabbed her face with both of his hands, pulling her toward him. He began to kiss her.

Jim caught his breath at the sight of Trixie kissing Dan. What have I done? He looked away, not able to bear the pictures in his mind. He thought she would date others but he hoped he would never have to see it in person. And not with his friend Dan.

Silently, Jim exited the building. Maybe their friendship would be destroyed after all. Jim knew he couldn’t let that happen. He would just have to wait for the right moment to tell her how he really felt.

Dan glanced up just in time to see Jim leaving. Sliding into the seat next to Trixie, he pulled her into an embrace. Dan let her cry quietly on his shoulder. While he hated to see Trixie hurt so much, Dan definitely realized it was just like kissing his sister. He missed Hallie.

After a few more sniffles, Trixie grabbed some napkins and blew her nose.

“Okay, Freckles, quit spreading your germs.” Dan joked and tapped her lightly on her chin.

“Thanks, Dan, I guess Jim got the message and I didn’t embarrass myself anymore.”

“Will you be alright at the party? He is going to be there.”

“Yeah,” she giggled. “And you don’t have to play Romeo again. I think once was enough for both of us.”

“Well, he did say you would have new experiences.”

　

PART TWO

Chapter Six

Eighteen year old Trixie Belden looked around her dorm room. She was anxiously awaiting her new roommate. Part of her was sad that she was not with all the Bob-White gang but she knew she had to put some distance between Jim and her. It still hurt after all these years; years in which Dan had stepped in to escort her to all the dances and school functions. She knew it worked for Dan too. His heart was in Idaho with Hallie. But next year Hallie would be attending classes with Dan and the rest of the Bob-Whites. Another reason to leave, she didn’t want Jim’s pity when she and Dan “broke up”.

Honey and Di were upset when Trixie told them her plans. Colorado was a long way from New York. They understood Trixie’s reasoning, and the fact that she got a scholarship would really help her parents. They had four children to send to college.

“Hi!” A young brown haired girl grinned through the doorway. “You must be Trixie. I’m Susan.”

Trixie was so relieved. Susan seemed friendly and not a bit shy. “You got it. Glad we finally get to meet.”

They had been communicating by email for a couple of weeks.

“Hang on, Trixie, I’ve got to find out where my parents parked and lug up all my stuff.”

“Do you need some help? My folks left this morning.” Trixie looked around at all her stuff. She was glad she had time to put everything away. “Since I’m out of state I got to come a day early.”

“Great. Come on then.” Susan motioned her out the door.

“It was a great idea you had to divide up the stuff for our room. Now we can just share the microwave and fridge and stuff.”

“Stick with me, Trixie, I’m full of good ideas.” Susan laughed and her lightheartedness caused Trixie to grin.

Susan studied Trixie as they walked. Trixie was pencil thin and her smile just didn’t make it all the way to her eyes. There was a story her, she was sure of it, and as a journalism major she was going to find it.

Susan’s parents were waiting just outside the dorm with loads of stuff. Her little brother grinned up at her. “I’m going to love never having to go shopping with you again, Sis.”

Suddenly, Trixie missed Brian, Mart and Bobby. She swallowed hard and tried to think of something else as she helped her roommate move her stuff into the dorm with hers.

After her parents had left, Trixie and Susan began organizing and dividing up the space. It was great that they were almost identical in temperament and taste. No hassles over makeup and too much clothing for them.

“Are you going to the Freshman Bash tonight?” Trixie asked Susan.

“Only if you go with me,” she grinned. “I think it’s perfect roommate bonding time.”

Later that night, the girls went to the main campus parking lot. Booths were set up and lots of prizes were given away. Trixie won a University of Colorado sweatshirt by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance while chewing ten pieces of bubble gum. Trixie was glad she and Susan were having a good time. She just dreaded the nights.

Someone else was glad that Trixie was having a good time. He kept his distance, wanting their first meeting to be while they were alone. He hoped she would listen to him.

　

Chapter Seven

Trixie was glad that the long week of classes were keeping her occupied. She had so much on her mind that it kept her from thinking of other things. That’s how she always said it to herself. It even hurt to think of his name. Sighing and wondering when she would get her life back, Trixie made her way to the library.

She was biting her lip in deep thought when someone stepped in front of her.

“Jim,” she gasped. Her legs began to shake and her heart was in her stomach.

“Trixie,” Jim said her name softly. Trixie’s face was pale and thin and she was the most beautiful person in the world to him.

“What are you doing here?” She was surprised that she could speak.

Remembering their conversation three years ago, it was Jim’s turn to be nervous.

“Can we talk? Really talk?”

“Come on Jim, when couldn’t we talk?” Trixie said, throwing Jim’s words back at him. Trixie had remembered his words well.

“Please, Trix.” There was pain in Jim’s voice that he couldn’t disguise, that he didn’t want to disguise.

Warily, Trixie looked at him. He too seemed thinner and there was something in his eyes she couldn’t describe.

“You didn’t answer my question. Just what are you doing here?” Trixie clutched her book bag protectively in front of her.

“I transferred, Trixie. I transferred to be with you.” Jim stood with his hands by his side, vulnerable to Trixie’s words.

Just then Trixie wanted to cry so much that she knew she had to get away.

“I can’t talk right now, Jim. I have a paper due.” Trixie said hurriedly and turned to walk away.

Jim laid a hand on Trixie’s shoulder. Slowly, she turned back around to face him.

“When Trixie? Tomorrow? Tomorrow night? The next day?” Jim ran his other hand through his red hair in desperation. “Please, I’m begging you.”

“Sunday afternoon.” Trixie finally agreed. She needed time to think.

Jim nodded. “I’ll pick you up at your dorm unless you don’t want me to.”

“No, that’s fine.” Trixie walked away.

Jim breathed a sigh of relief. At least Trixie was talking to him.

Chapter Eight

Trixie went straight to her room and called her mom.

“Moms, what am I going to do?” she cried. “Jim is here. He wants to talk.”

“Trixie, honey, I think you should talk to him. Listen to him this time.”

“Moms, you knew he was here, didn’t you?” Trixie accused her mom.

“Yes, Trixie, I did. Jim came here to talk to us, your father and I.” Mrs. Belden’s voice changed from defensive to a softer tone. “Listen to him, Trixie. There’s a lot left unsaid between the two of you.”

“Oh, Moms, will he break my heart again?” Trixie didn’t want to rekindle their friendship. She knew that would only hurt more.

“Only if you let the past get in the way, Trixie,” her mother assured her.

“I’ll let you know.”

Susan came home and Trixie hung up the phone and turned to her. Susan looked at her curiously.

“You look different, Trixie. You look scared and confused.”

Tears in her eyes, she looked up at Susan and told her the whole story of her relationship with Jim.

“I love him so much, Susan.” Trixie wiped the tears from her eyes. “I can’t take losing him all over again.”

“It sounds to me like you didn’t lose him in the first place.”

“What?”

“Haven’t you heard the old saying, ‘If you love someone let them go, and if they love you they’ll come back to you?’ ”

“But I didn’t want to be let go.”

“Jim was giving you your wings, Trixie.” Susan sat down with her friend. “He didn’t say he didn’t want to be with you, he just wanted to wait until you were both ready. Can you honestly say at fifteen you were ready for a real relationship with anyone?”

“I loved Jim then as much as I do now. I…” Trixie suddenly realized that she wouldn’t have been ready for the kind of relationship they both wanted. She thought back to Brian and Honey’s relationship as well as Mart and Di’s. It had worked but they had months of heartache and anger during their growing years.

“It might have worked,” Trixie whispered almost to herself.

“But it might not have.” Susan gave her new friend a hug. “Sounds like Jim loves you so much that he didn’t want to do anything that would put that love at risk.”

“The last time someone told me to talk to Jim he broke my heart.” She laughed sadly. “I don’t think I’m up to it again.”

“Take a chance, Trixie. At least you’ll know where you stand this way.”

“Do you, by any chance, know Honey Wheeler?” Trixie gave a small chuckle as she thought of her best friend.

Chapter Nine

Sunday morning came and went much too fast for Trixie Belden. Her friend, Susan, had insisted that Jim and she do their talking in the dorm.

“I have plans with a very good looking sophomore.” Susan laughed. “Don’t wait up for me.”

Trixie had combed her hair and straightened her sweater a thousand times before she heard the knock on the door.

“Jim, come on in.” Trixie was being cautious. She knew this time she would make a scene.

“We can go out if you rather.” Jim looked expectantly at her.

“No! I don’t rather!” Trixie looked at Jim with exasperation. “Jim, what kind of game are you playing?”

Jim’s heart sank. He tried to think of a way to begin.

“Trixie, I know I remember our first talk but do you remember what I said?”

“Yes, Jim,” Trixie sighed. “You were letting me down gently.”

“No, Trixie, I wasn’t. I was trying to plan a future for us but Trix, I was only seventeen. I messed up real bad, didn’t I?” Jim’s husky voice was almost a whisper as he choked on his own words.

“That’s not how I heard it, Jim. I was just a kid and you wanted an eighteen year old.”

“Trixie, I wanted you as an eighteen year old. I never dated anyone in college. Golden blonde curls and blue eyes kept getting in my way.”

“Why wouldn’t you speak over two sentences to me then?” Trixie felt the tears come and this time she let them fall.

Taking her hands in his, Jim sat down on the edge of the bed beside her.

“I came back to try to straighten things out, make things a little more clear with you. Remember that day in Wimpy’s, you were kissing Dan.” Jim closed his eyes to block the memory. “That’s when I knew that you were everything I ever wanted and I was going to wait to prove it to you.”

“Jim, about Dan,” Trixie began but Jim interrupted her.

“It’s okay, Trix. I’m so sorry Dan went back to Hallie but only because I didn’t want to see you hurt again. I don’t care anymore about Dan. I love you, Trixie. If you just forgive me, I’ll help you forget about Dan.”

The pain in Jim’s eyes was more than Trixie could bear. Throwing herself into Jim’s arms, she cried more than the day of their first talk. She tried to explain about Dan but she couldn’t get the words out, her crying making her words incoherent.

Finally, Trixie pulled back. “Jim, Dan and I were faking it. When I saw you, I started crying and Dan knew I didn’t want you to see me cry. So he kissed me to hide my face.”

Jim stoked her curls as he pulled her to him. “I was so jealous. I had to leave or I would have killed Dan on the spot.”

“You don’t have to worry. Dan makes a great girlfriend but kissing for us was like kissing family.”

“Trixie,” Jim looked down at Trixie. “How do you feel about us? Will you give me a chance?”

“Jim,” Trixie looked at Jim with uncertainty. “I love you. I’m still scared. I can’t take another heartbreak.”

Jim saw the fear in her eyes and felt shame and guilt that he had put those feelings there.

“Trixie,” Jim looked down at Trixie. She looked up at him with parted lips. They met for their first kiss, gentle at first then increasing in passion.

After several minutes of getting to know each other physically for the first time, Trixie looked up at him.

“Jim, hold me. Hold me like you’ll never let me go.”

And that’s exactly what he did.